just a short post becuz i want to record some things down. my com is dying real soon and im famished. this won't take long.

i learnt a very hard lesson today.

today, i submitted an applied chem lab report which was overdue by bout 5 weeks? only very few people know about this cuz if word broke out, i'd be infamous. the applied chem cohort is v small and people don't dare to do this kinda things. only i "dare".

aniwae id been worrying alot about this report.. about finishing it and submitting it. i'd originally thought about just hecking it cuz i was so ashamed at how late it was. but lab reports take up 30% for that particular module and i'd already hecked a 10% assignment.. cldn't afford to lose anymore marks through foolishness. so i decided i had to hand it up and get it marked at all costs.

it's a very difficult report to write, about Gas Chromatography. quite complicated. the results we got during our lab were too complex and i cldnt make head or tail out of it. didn't know how to organise the results, for one. i cldn't complete it that week, partly cuz i was too tired and also cuz i felt discouraged abt the report. then the week after that, i put more effort in submitting the report due the week after and ended up not having enough time for the GC report. cuz i wanted to hand up a report on time for once.. (this whole sem my reports have been submitted late). and so it continued for the next month.

this week is reading week, last week was the last week of school. i'd been lacking motivation to complete the report but yesterday, i decided i had to hand it up. even tho i din manage to hand up the report yesterday as i'd planned. but at least the sense of urgency helped me to complete it. 21 fucking pages! no joke.

so i was wondering whether to write a letter of apology to the prof, or email him, or apologise in person or what. but eventually i decided to apologise in person. had to face the music, accept e consequences for my actions. of course e reason that e report was late wasn't valid at all, but i was willing to be honest w the prof and admit it was my own lack of discipline and poor time management that was e cause, and that i was improving on this, slowly but surely. and that's e truth.

when i went to see e prof however, he just took one look at the report, put it aside, and told me "go away, go away". i was flabbergasted. he seemed like he cldnt be bothered, wasn't even interested in why e report was so late. most profs wldve wanted to know, im sure. if i were a prof i'd wanna know. but after pondering about it, i guess, that's life. only the results matter.. the reasons are mere excuses for failure. not all people are gonna be nice to you, to care about the problems u face, to ask about them. if i get that sorta treatment, it's a boon. but if not, i shldnt be surprised. cuz in the end, all excuses/reasons are my own business, and they all don't change the cold hard fact that i failed to hand up the report on time, lik all the rest. lik i said above, my reasons weren't valid at all. they were the truth, but they'd be mere excuses. and no one's interested in excuses for failure. they want results. results talk.

it was a really hard lesson to face. in the aftermath of all my visions of sincere n honest talks w the prof.. haha. so embarrassing. but that's life.. that's e hard reality. the sooner i learn it, the better.

i guess the prof can't b bothered w me since ive been handing reports up late e whole sem. can't blame him. i guess he's results-oriented, not people-oriented. *shrugs* all types of people in this world. gotta learn how to get along w all of them.

ok, shant ramble on more abt this. im glad its outta e way.. it took up WAY TOO MUCH of my time! of course that's my own fault. but oh well. next: EXAMS. let's move on with life :)

p.s. smth that im proud of today: i was on time for the production meeting this morning! the rest were lik half an hour late tho -.-.. but i was on time for once! this is good. x) this is what's desirable. let's keep this up!

feeling really tired right now.. been a long time since i blogged too. got a lot of things on my mind. sigh

today's lab was tiring.. and took really long. i slept at 4+ am last night trying to do finish my lab report. started it at 2 am lol. but din manage to la.. hai.. then tot today's expt wld be v short and then i cld rush my report aft lab. in the end it finished damn late -.- so i guess ill have to hand up my lab report 2ml. sigh. second late report :(

really gotta change this bad habit of doing things so last minute.. lik yooks said, ive been doing that since she knew me. haha. and even before that actually. it's juz always been e way i do things. im not proud of it tho. it brings me alot of stress :'( sigh.

just spent some minutes webcam-whoring.. man i look terrible today.. look super blackface n tired. ohwell ://

im at the student hub.. came here to use laptop.. and hope that i might see someone.. dno what im doing really. wonder why i cant juz chill. i keep worrying, keep thinking about it. it's so weird.. i dno what to do :( sigh.. why am i so messed up.. why..

i'm currently having quite a screwed up day.

have alot of things on my to-do list.. production tonight as usual. phy chem test 2ml which i havn't studied for.. and i'm 90% convinced that it's production which is sapping my time, even tho i only go down to e set workplace in the evenings. yep.. fantasy can seem pretty realistic. i sure indulge in it alot. 

anyway i felt e urge to blog cuz the male stranger sitting opposite me just might be GAY. i was eavesdropping on his phone convos.. and he mentioned (i think) "my BOYFRIEND" and i was lik ?!?!?! o_O OMG. well if he is gay then he's lik fricking open about it.. which is refreshing. and, to be honest, pretty inspiring as well. i can't help but feel compelled to ask him if he IS gay. :///

my curiosity is killing me!!!

i'm currently at the 6th floor of S16.. with only my laptop, wires, wallet n hp. my bag's been left at the set workplace (next 2 a sleeping weikit HAHA). ive been travelling up and down S16 just to find a floor which is 1) deserted and 2) has a table w a WORKING power point close by. i say WORKING becuz strangely enough, so many power outlets in science fac seem to be down. its so irritating la. no wonder e tables in their vicinity are all empty.
 
gosh it's cold :x

anyway yeah ive been searching so hard cuz i have to finally make the video wishing my bestie a happy bday :) was supposed to send it to her bf lik days ago... damn. been putting it off. feels so weird la, making a video. it's to be screened at her 21st bday bash this fri too. awkward. honestly i would rather write her a card....

it's embarrassing too to be seen "talking" to my laptop (im gonna use e webcam to make e vid). hence the search for a secluded area.

aniwae juz wasting time now while waiting for my laptop to charge... the battery sucks la -.- juz charged it full lik a week ago and then its so flat i cldnt even on the laptop. dno why the batt drains so easily.

aniwae our production is to be performed on 28th jan @ UCC.. so now everynight it's intensive rehearsals and set-making. im quite happy w how my designs turned out :D but there's still quite alot of work 2 be done.. im quite peeved over how we nv seem to have enuf manpower.. haii.. guess that's e outcome when lik the whole set team is from Science Club.. they'll place their other commitments over set. and i dont feel that i can command them to lik come down n do work.. have to try n understand their situations i suppose.......

juz hope we can finish in time :/

*tummy rumbles* hungry. too bad i cant eat air.

right after i finish this post, i'm gonna check my exam results for this semester.

:x

*heart thumps*

feeling really really apprehensive.. was tossing and turning in bed just now for an hour cuz i woke up at 10 am and e results are released at 11 am... shldve juz gotten up for bfast but felt really lethargic.. still, the time seemed to pass SO slowly.

so what will it be, heaven (not likely) or hell for me? heaven if my CAP didnt drop.. im really scared it will. this semester is SO fucked up.. incredibly.. nah im the one who's fucked up this sem. sigh. ok.. well.. enough rambling. time to check results!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

.
.
.

oh gawd i cannot believe they are so STRICT about the timing! it's like 10.58am now and i have to wait an excruciating 2 minutes =.= keep on refreshing the page, still see e same old irritating thing with no results.

hm to pass e time.. went for pool yesterday with the chem people :) damn fun lah! my first time playing a proper game of pool.. and i must say im not bad for a first-timer haha! ;) quite addictive, the game.

also went gym-ming with A2.. we were in the gym for about 3 hours.. my usual duration haha.. but damn long for her. i havn't worked out for a week so was feeling damn lethargic and wondering how intense i shld make this workout. decided to start off with an interval cardio program for stationary bike: 5 min warm up, 4 x (1 min sprint 2 min recover), 3 min cool down = 20 min. the last time i did an interval workout on the bike, i nearly died.. it was like waaaayy too tough for me. it was 3 min of warm up and cool down + 5 sets of (1 min sprint, 1.5min recover). alot more intense than the one i did last night.. nearly fainted aft it and had to go to the changing room to lie down and raise my legs. pathetic right? lol. i tend to over-exert sometimes. and even aft that harrowing experience, i still went ahead with full body weights training aft i'd rested sufficiently and didnt feel lik toppling over anymore. ah well ^^

last night's gym was good! i did more cardio and less resistance.. less sets of resistance i'd say. im proud that i felt okay aft the bike cardio.. didnt topple over, felt shagged but still standing haha. showed A2 some resistance exercises n stuff.. that girl actually played badminton b4 gym-ming and worked out damn hard during gym lah.. intense. haha but she says if i weren't there she wldve given up and walked out aft 1 hour x) oh well, i think i did more cardio with her ard too. so it's both good :)

tried out new exercises for outer thigh and inner thigh (my problem areas). also did another interval cardio on the treadmill towards e end of our session, cuz we'd gotten really cold and needed warming up b4 i did ab-work. the interval cardio was great. i did about 15 mins and burnt 125 calories.. awesome. combined brisk walking, running with 2 instances of sprinting.. the sprinting damn shiok la! esp with the mirror in front of me to see my muscles bulging.. wowee. went up to speed 10, a first for me :):) last night's gym was GOOD xD

o forgot to mention that my bike reset itself during my bike workout -.- so annoying. luckily i was keeping time with my own watch if not it wldve thrown my entire workout out e window.

my abs hurt today :( sometimes i dno if its muscle pain or whether im having a stomachache.. still remember the first time i did intense abs.. wow they hurt lik mad, hurt so bad i cldnt eat. i havn't had bfast yet so i think its a combination of abs and gastric lol. ok loser. time to check results!!!

came back from Vietnam on saturday night.. :)

Vietnam's a really interesting country i must say.. i wanted to blog about what we did daily but i feel lazy so shall just state some of the interesting points of my trip. 

well i was there from Wed to Sat.. went to Saigon (Ho Chinh Minh City). Vietnam's weather is lik Sg's except that its not humid.. so even tho the sun may be glaring down at u u wont feel as hot and sticky as u wld in Sg. Vietnam's traffic is CRAZY. my bro took a lot of pics so ill get one of the road junctions and put it up. it's lik utter chaos.. yet not totally. my Anthro mod has helped me to appreciate the internal coherence of the vietnamese system.. the roads there are ruled by the motorbikes and at the traffic lights ull see the entire road filled with motorbikes and just a few cars here n there. lik a real motorcade manz. and sometimes even at the traffic lights ppl dont stop haha. walking across e road is kinda scary but u get e hang of it after awhile.. the trick is to walk calmly and steadily across, letting the motorists avoid u on their own. its not lik sg when u dash across e road, cuz in vietnam the roads are seldom ever empty. imagine, 4 million bikes to 250 000 4-wheelers! and i think that's just in the city? but still, the massive amt of bikes in e city is eye-opening.. only when i witnessed how vietnam traffic is like then i realised how orderly Sg is.. rigid, even. 

in vietnam motorists horn to let u know they're there, so horning is one of the essential and ever-present sounds ull hear in vietnam, even in the rural areas haha. horns have evolved in vietnam i think. u hear different rhythms for different types of vehicles.. at 7 am in the morning u can hear all the horns going off in the road in front of the hotel.. at 12 midnight horns are still going off. for some vehicles, esp the large ones, the horns are automatic: the horn goes off even when e driver isnt pressing it. i guess its essential cuz e traffic is so chaotic.. esp at the roundabouts (they have 6-junction traffic crossings over there!).. its insane.. and u see ppl going in opposite directions on a one-way street.. even driving on the pavements (the bikes). there's no such thing as a one-way street in vietnam, apparently. 

ull see lik 3 ppl riding on one motorbike and ppl are holding things while riding on their bikes, listening to mp3.. its lik.. wtf

i cant say enuf about how amused and entranced i am with vietnam's traffic system. one thing's for sure: u have to see it to believe it. 

the air there is really polluted tho. alot of the motorist wear masks to filter e air but i dun think it helps. at some places the air looks really hazy.. :S can feel it in my lungs n nose.

in vietnam we ate alot of pho (noodles) and spring rolls. vietnamese food is nice :) but i got kinda sick of all the weird herbs they used after awhile.. think its e mint i got sick of. definitely not my acquired taste. one sauce that features prominently in vietnam is peanut sauce.. tastes lik satay sauce without the chilli. nice. 

their coconuts are nice too. interestingly, the coconut flesh is hard on the top half and softer on the bottom half. wonder why :/

oh i LOVE vietnamese beef balls! taste lik western spaghetti meatballs, v solid and dense. they use e entire cow in their dishes apparently.. we had one type of meat when we had a "steam boat" in their local fastfood chain "Pho 24" - it was white, v soft n v fatty... not even protein, more lik fat.. and we kept trying to find out what it was. my bro and i tot it was cow brain lol. e waiter pointed to his arm joint but how can cartilage or tendon be SO fatty and soft? aniwae i stayed away from it.. far far away haha

we went to the Ben Thanh Market for shopping.. the place is HUGE. and it has everything.. from food, to wet market, to art and craft, to clothes, to shoes.. u name it. its a tourist destination tho so prepared to be ripped BIG time by the vendors.. its kinda obvious they're ripping u off cuz when u turn to walk away the vendors will shout discounts of 200% or more aft u.. things are definitely cheaper away from the city. we managed to find one stall tho which was really affordable and not a rip off. it was this shoe stall run  by this old grandma, where u cld get your shoes customised.. it was wooden clogs and straw japanese-style slippers. so u'd choose the wooden clog heel u wanted and the strap u wanted and e old lady would hammer it in for you.. damn pro can. my mom had 4 pairs done for her and i went back e next day to get 4 pairs for myself lol. damn cheap lah! for custom-made.. less than S$8 per pair leh. other stalls which din even offer customisations all priced theirs at lik.. S$12 at e minimum. i love my pretty clogs :):) too bad on e last day we din have time to go back and get more shoes done lol. 

vietnamese art and craft is damn nice.. i bought alot of magnetic bracelets (some to give away), shawls (both silk and cotton-mix) and buffalo-horn hair sticks. their lacquer and wooden figurines are really nice too.. and e paintings. if u go along e streets ull see tons of art galleries. we also found this little buddhist shop that sells damn nice jewellery made of semi-precious gemstones.. not cheap but really really nice. bought some :):)

SHOPPING MADNESS over there!

i saw alot of nice stuff i wldve liked to get for my own home next time :) oh well shall go shopping in vietnam next time for furniture and SHOES and ACCESSORIESSSS <333

oh the wet market there was v interesting too.. we had super super nice grilled giant prawns dipped in some sorta grey salt mix, SUPERB!! and ud see stalls selling fresh fish, meat and veggies.. the meat looked abit dodgy :/ the fish was interesting tho.. i think i saw MUDSKIPPERS. :S and we saw tons of live shellfish on sale.. one stall had this tub of giant water snails and they were crawling outta e tub and we saw one plodding along in the drain next to the tub. damn funny lah!! 

vietnamese clams are YUM. x)

i abandoned my diet and went crazy on the unhealthy food.. bleh.... /_\ gained weight oh well.

we also visited the Cu Chi tunnels while we were there.. crawled through some of the tunnels. i'd wanted to wear all pretty (i even styled my hair) but after my bro said we'd be crawling through tunnels i wore my gym gear in the end: NJ PE shirt, shorts and sports shoes. wah damn lucky i brought my gym gear la. the tunnels are damn dark and damn narrow.. vietnamese are smaller-sized apparently. i must say the technology used is ingenious and damn advanced! really admire the vietnamese folk back then during the vietnam war. was impressed by the kinda booby traps they used, the way they designed their tunnels, how resourceful they were etc. really an eye-opener. the trip to the tunnels was really an educational experience.. highly recommended to anyone :)

oh i got to shoot an M-16 at the shooting range! REAL BULLETS. damn loud can -.- other ppl were shooting other weapons lik machine gun and AK-47 or smth.. we got ripped off as usual: 10 bullets, USD2.50 per bullet. erk. my dad stupidly stubbornly refused to wear ear plugs and then complained of ringing in his ears after that. what can i say? =.=

hmm.. so yeah i guess these are the highlights of my trip.. :):) vietnam is a really nice place.. im glad i went for the trip. prob shld take up a Vietnamese Language module and then go visit other parts of vietnam next time haha

been ages since i last posted.. everytime in the past 2 months or so when i felt anxious about smth i wld think about blogging, but wld end up online shopping instead. retail therapy is nice but it doesnt help for long. and it hurts my bank acct lol. maybe i shld stick to blogging out my woes next time...

well just woke up and felt lik blogging cuz i had a nightmare last night.. about studies. haiiix. it was actually juz a normal weird dream but it ended up becoming a nightmare.. i dreamt that firstly i was one-week late for handing up assignments, den cuz e assignments had dragged SO long, i was kinda feeling hopeless abt them, wondering if i shld even bother to hand them up. then i realised, the nxt day was my chem 'A' lvl! and i hadn't even studied! wow that one really kinda breaking down alr.. felt SO lousy.. :( sometimes i'll have this kinda dreams.. abt being unprepared.. being caught up in circumstances.. yeah. desperation. hopelessness. frustration. i guess i have always had this innate fear of not being prepared enuf becuz that is what i have struggled with my entire academic life.. and that has been the hallmark of this sem's final exams.. terrible... sigh. :'(

this sem is the worst sem yet. and i feel even worse abt it cuz it had e potential to be one of the best sems ever. the modules were all good ones, potential to get A for them.. and yet i wasted my chance. i still dno how i managed to flunk this sem.. it juz sped past me in the blink of an eye. well.. i guess i shldve heeded A2's advice to reflect after every setback (shldve blogged instead of shopped! argh!). well, another lesson learnt i suppose. it's not that i didn't reflect it's juz that ive mostly forgotten my reflections haha. damn. -.-

well here's some of what i remember.. hmm.. this sem passed v fast. and i kept wasting my weekends.. i can't study at home, so i shldnt study at home. i shld study in school. i shld force myself to wake up early on saturday morning and camp in school. and procrastinating on tasks DOES NOT HELP. it SO does not help omg. i know i always feel lazy abt doing this but collating what ive learnt after we get taught a new chapter will be so much better for my exams. for one, i will have notes to refer to even if im running out of time. oh yes.. BLOODY DO MY WEBCASTS ON THE WEEKEND DAMMIT. it's IMPOSSIBLE to finish 20 - 30 webcasts in lik 3 days -.- (even tho i seem to continue harbouring Wonderwoman fantasies) haiiix. really boils down to suffering a lil more throughout the sem to ease my pain during exam period.. instead of lik "diao-a-lang-dang" during sem and then go through tremendous pain and hardship during exam period.. reeks of extremism (my middle name). :( and the worst part is the REGRET. i'm sick of feeling regret :( it's lik i even told my fren b4 my final paper "don't regret. do smth about it!" and i was lik OMG i shld take my own advice (cuz i was feeling lik giving up on my final paper). it's weird right.. how i give ppl superb advice but i suck at taking it. yes joyce i do agree w u haha.

haii i regret not keeping up w the syllabus through e sem.. it sucks not being able to tutor my frens cuz ive been too lazy to keep up. it sucks to give them that flippant attitude and say "you're asking me? i dno ANYTHING!" it's lik become my trademark.. which sucks. and i see other ppl working so hard and being so good at the module, making frens w the lecturers and tutoring everyone.. and coming outta e exam hall saying "i'm not happy with that paper. it was too fucking easy" -.- lik.. wad da hell. haha the worst part is i know i have e potential to be as zai as that. haiii... i wonder if it will be too late to jiayou next sem? so what if i work damn hard.. i dno if i can still pull my CAP up :( im feeling damn scared of results release la. 

well this yr has been a tremultous one.. we're coming to the end of e yr alr..  my beloved Latte (my cat) died.. prematurely... i turned 20.. and who can forget my breakup with mr. asshole in march.. alot has happened this yr.

oh well stay tuned for more updates, this post isnt finished yet :)

SHOE SHOPPING TODAYYYYYYYYYYYYY <3<3

currently waiting for my hair to dry b4 i sleep.. had a tiring day today. quite stressful n unhappy too :(

hmm ok u know what, i shall not talk much abt the unhappy stuff. if i do i will feel depressed all over again. shall juz mention abit.

well basically today we had review lect for the PR CA2.. i had to go collect my shoes from Raffles Place so i went there right after my LSM CA2 (which was a disaster) and was half an hour late for the collection. den i came back and reached sch half an hour aft the PR lect started. so naturally, i was kinda uncertain abt whether to still go for the lect, since:

1) its bound to be quite short cuz its juz going through e test paper
2) im alr half an hour late and itll be paiseh to go in in front of everyone
3) its webcasted

i actually wanted to go for the lect, cuz ive been skipping majorly and yeah, wanted to be a better student la. aniwae i tot this lect was impt marh. so msged my fren to ask about e situation.. didnt exactly get concrete ans from her but she juz said i cld come in. so i tot oh must have a substantial amt left to go. so at that time i was still on the bus, entering NUS. i alighted, walked to the LT, went to the toilet, and finally entered the LT at the precise moment the prof finished going through the test. like the PRECISE moment. i took out my pens and paper and had to stuff them back in my bag, with an embarrassed grin on my face while listening to the giggling from the rest of the cohort. super lose face can. wtf. i was damn pissed lah. afterwards went to confront my fren, only to get laughed at by her and the other people. nice frens i have. i ended up storming outta e LT w/o saying a word to any of them.

I HATE BEING RIDICULED;

esp by people who call themselves my "friends".

and i HATE losing face esp in a situation where its out of my control.

and i will end up hating the people involved. and believe me, i can hold a grudge. for YEARS.

so that spoiled the rest of my day. and i kept on getting irritated and pissed off the whole of today. i must say the only time i felt truly uplifted was after working out at the gym. before that it was juz a string of annoyances, one after e other. what a sucky day.

had LSM CA2 today. din prepare nuts for it. it was a terribly easy paper, even easier than CA1. but since i din prepare for it, i only managed to scrape a pass.. haiiix. wasted. im not too bothered by the paper tho.. its all content n memory work aniwaes. there's still aLOT to cover.

now onto the happy part :):) GYM! had a great workout today... focussed mainly on my back, my triceps, my lower body. did alot of exercises and i even ran on the treadmill for 20 minutes straight.. at a good speed. managed to sorta sprint for 5 min b4 a stitch set in. this is an improvement from the last time i ran on the treadmill x) it's great to see myself improving, running longer durations and at higher speeds. and the best part was, i felt so shiok after the run (if not for the stitch). i must say treadmill running is so different from track running.. haiix. track running is much more difficult.. no opposing force to help u move. i ran 3+ km on the treadmill today but on the track i'd get tired after half that distance.

sooo.. time to put in more cardio and tweak my routines :) (it's not even counted a routine. very random) im getting addicted to exercise!!!

2ml sure pain.. ahhh xS

p.s. i din haf dinner :( hungryy

i'm feeling really lousy right now :( not to mention tired. it's 2.30am.. SIGH...

2ml (or today rather) is lsm ca2... 20 mcq, 20% of my overall marks. i did really well for my first ca, managed to get 18/20 :) but that was for topics that i was more familiar with. this second half is lik.. quite bad :( esp for lipid metab, where i dun even know what e lousy lecturer was teaching. so hafta rely on txtbook.. save me, Voet&Voet! i feel so tired right now, din study much at all this weekend.. Why? WHY?! sometimes i juz can't figure myself out :(( why do i keep sabotaging myself..

i didnt work out today (mon) even tho i told myself i wld.. juz din feel motivated.. guess i really shldnt break e routine huh (din exercise alot this week compared 2 last week). spent quite alot of time today surfing the net for 1) online shopping n 2) health+fitness articles. it's interesting how one goal can get in e way of another. aniwae yeah i'm having alot of trouble finding balance in my life, as u can prob tell..

argh. finals in 2 weeks' time. insanityyyyy~~~~~~~!

p.s. i like my calves. :)

p.p.s i can't go sleep now tho im shagged cuz i styled my hair and if i go to sleep itll be a mess 2ml ><" dammit

been wanting to update alot in the last month, but juz nv did. some things have really changed, others not so much..

wow its already 4 pm. today's been somewhat difficult.. my dad left for bali today, on business. my mom was supposed to go with him but in e end she decided not to go.. cuz things in bali will prob be dangerous ard this period, what w the execution of the bali bombers last night n all.. yea. better for her not to go. i was feeling damn scared, cant imagine how life will be like if i lose my dad. for the first (or prob second) time in my life, i told my dad i loved him, albeit through SMS when he was at the airport. haiix.. sometimes my dad makes crappy decisions.. my mom was damn pissed at him for insisting on going even tho he's gonna be the only Singaporean at the meeting there (other Singaporeans didnt wanna go in e end). sometimes i think my dad has this delusion that he's invincible, which is so obviously not true. oh well.. juz hope he stays safe.

i have another exam coming up, on tuesday. LSM CA2.. another bunch of mcqs.. but testing quite alot of topics. havn't studied for it yet. had a bunch of deadlines on fri (7th nov, juz passed) that totally stressed me out.. it was a terrible day: Spectro 2nd mid-term test (20%), pharm CA2 (25%) and my Socio proj deadline (15%). hadn't prepared for any of those at all.. sucked.. ended up cramming throughout the whole day. really felt terrible and lousy, really wanted to give up. just heck care, u know? i was working all e way past midnight, rushing for my socio proj deadline.. but i have a nasty feeling my contributions wont be counted cuz it was past the midnight deadline. its a grp proj that's submitted online. i didnt contribute much to it all this while so was feeling damn bad.. was in a dilemma abt which of my tasks to focus on. all i can say is that i deserved everything ive got coming. sigh. this sem's screwed. really s-c-r-e-w-e-d :(

well, on a lighter unrelated note, ive been working out alot and im now weighing below 60 kg :) which is great! this week i onli exercised on monday tho, when i usually work out thrice a week.. so haf gotten a tad flabbier again. went cycling at east coast yest with my galpal Skye. she's the one who started me off on my training programme.. got my motor running, so to speak. gotta thank her loads for spurring this transformation in me :D thanks babe! cldn't have done all this w/o u :)) yep so nowadays i eat less and even healthier than before (my diet is usually rather healthy anyway) and i go to gym every weds. im planning to up the ante so i can shed more weight before dec ;) i love the way my arms look now.. alot more toned.. love those biceps n triceps baby! and my face is slimmer.. haha.. my entire frame is slimmer but my lower body still needs a ton of work. am looking forward to the day i wont look gross in shorts X)

gotta try to focus on both my priorities tho.. exercise has been my priority for over a month now.. ONLY priority. which is why my studies r lik shit.. sucks to admit that. :( sigh im too extreme, cant seem to do things in moderation haha. finals are coming and ive got major rescue operations to do.. on my grades.. haha. let's aim for a higher CAP! i think 4 is out of reach now :( but let's aim for 3.8! XD cmon girl u can do it!

chatted to alot of people today.. i feel that slowly but surely i'm growing.. one day i'll discover what i've been looking for all along.

was just reading my bestie's blog juz now.. uber old entries cuz she hasnt updated for a long time.. but as i read her entries i started liking her again. can see that she is really a good person.. so why have i been so unhappy with her? does the problem really lie with me?

all i know is that she has been happy.. yet i have been struggling. and struggling for a long time. ive been so unhappy. probably i should write her a letter or something.. explaining things... and mending bridges.

had a long chat with YZ juz now.. he got so exasperated with me. he said my lack of self-esteem is causing me to lose everything. probably i cant see it cuz im not an outsider (definitely). i wish i was, tho. lik have an out of body experience or smth. to see myself as i really am. its hard to have a clear view when ure in the midst of things..

well yep its official: my weekend has been totally and utterly wasted. didnt do a single piece of work at all.. somehow it feels lik this is smth im extremely used to typing. sucks. realising this just puts me in a very bad mood.. ahh.. im so sick of this! (maybe im not sick ENOUGH? that's why i havnt done anyth to change things?)

i've been blessed to have strengths which save me from the steaming piles of shit my weaknesses land me in. wonder where i'd be without my strengths... what a nightmare

counselling 2ml. mini bday celebration 2ml too. yay bday cake! *lurves* =D

YZ: start opening up and stop expecting.

yep i'll take your advice. for sure.

i'm feeling quite low right now.. it's one of those emo periods again.. when i feel like my life isn't what i want it to be and start wondering why..

starting to think that i should get another blog.. a more private one. so weird. i actually have a hardcopy journal but i only wrote one entry in that. typing is just so much easier to do. and i sorta want ppl to read my entries and give me.. comments? feedback? but yeah its quite difficult to read my entries.. since they're so long..  i just can't help it; im explicit.

i dont think i can write entries which are lik reallly short lik most ppl do.. i think for me entries r juz naturally long and detailed and rambling.. its either that or i dont blog at all. yep. extreme isn't it?

i just type what comes to mind. which is why there's no link sometimes.

well anyway i digress.. yea was feeling quite guilty today cuz i didn't do any work today.. and i still havn't sent Kirsten a document which i promised to send today =X havn't even finished typing it.. darn. went to sch today to meet A2 to discuss her essay w her.. as usual im more enthu about helping others w their work than doing my own.. guess its a tendency to wanna run away from my own problems.. but that's juz human nature isn't it? hmm yea so spent some time in school with her.. then felt really lethargic and low in energy.. it was around 3 pm then. when she left, i just decided to go home too. she was going to Far East to shop la.. i felt so envious of her. i wanna shop too! it's been ages since i last went Far East.. or anywhere in Orchard, for that matter. it's so weird.. i used to go to Orchard so often.. such that it became boring. now, going there feels lik such a treat. and it's not lik i'm even mugging uber hard.. just that everyday it's to school and back straight home for me. i've been going Holland V recently tho.. once to buy my aromatherapy stuff and then to have dinner with A2 aft our spectro test on fri.. there's straight bus from school and straight bus home from there too.

been into aromatherapy and other Body Shop products recently.. right now i'm burning some Divine Calm essential oil =) it's actually french lavendar.. very fragrant. supposed to help me relax. i also bought some Total Energy products, which contain citrus oils for a perk-me-up. it does work, i do feel more energetic after inhaling the zesty aroma =D and i love the scent! also bought a vial of white musk essential oil. it was much cheaper than the other two.. becuz those 2 were actually mixtures, whereas this white musk is a pure essential oil. havn't used the white musk yet.. wonder when i'll use it.

oh and i bought 2 Body Shop lipsticks too ;) love 'em.

(yeah i've been spending alot. guess its easy to tell)

midterms ended yesterday (friday) and man it's been SUCH a rollercoaster.. emotionally, mentally and physically.. it's been tough, for sure. had 2 midterms b4 recess week and 2 after. i screwed up on the 2 before but think i did quite well for the 2 after. didn't study for nuts during recess week tho.. ahh that was pretty much wasted. the 2 mid-terms aft recess week were LSM and spectro.. wah craziness. i felt pretty confident for LSM cuz i've been paying attention in most lectures n stuff.. writing notes.. but on the day of the mid-term i still left 80% to study and i had only slept 2 hours e night b4 cuz rushing lab report.. argh.. yep so the 3 hours before my paper, i was doing Operation CRAM LIKE HELL. and cram i did. it worked! i got 18/20 for my test =) it was a 20-mcq paper, worth 20% overall.. siao right. 20 mcqs for the insane amt of content we had to study.. and closed-book too. i felt lik it was a joke la. well, i found the paper to be okay.. so i tot the average would be lik 15/20? but was realllyy surprised to find that there were quite a number of ppl who juz passed and some even failed.. lik my fren.. i was lik huhhh.. ppl all around me were complaining when e prof told us the correct answers.. as for me, i was juz smugly ticking away on my question paper.. heh.. damn, it felt really good la. i totally miss this feeling.. havn't had this feeling for a LONG time.. lik seriously loooong time. well, i slacked the whole of wednesday (which was a public hol). took it as a break after the LSM paper, even tho i hadn't even started studying for the spectro paper which was on fri. (i didn't mean to slack e whole day of course, it juz happened -.-) but can u juz imagine how i wld've felt after slacking on wed if i had bombed my LSM paper? i wld've totally beaten myself up la.. im juz happy and relieved the paper turned out well.. feels lik my slacking is allowed and justified.. wish i cld feel lik this more often. haiiix

yeah so i was feeling triumphant after my LSM victory.. so much so that i didn't feel motivation to mug for spectro at all =( blahhh. so wed was slack.. i didn't feel the urge to mug on thursday... or rather, my thursday was super wonky. i dno whether it was cuz i had over-exerted myself on mon/tues or whether it was due to the massage that Juliet gave me, but my energy levels were super screwed up. fluctuating up and down all e way. i kept konking out while reading my spectro notes. it was terrible. yeah in the end i didnt get anyth done on thurs and i had to skip ALL my lects on fri in order to mug for the test.. the test was at 6 pm, and i started mugging from abt 1 pm onwards. 5 HOURS OF SOLID CRAMMING. no joke. after the test i was EXHAUSTED... lik seriously.. omg.. but luckily the test was quite ok la.. ok for a module that i have totally not known anyth about thus far.. yep.. so was pretty satisfied. went to holland v with A2 to have a good dinner aft it =)

realised while bathing just now that i feel pretty jealous of my bestie. like, she has/does most of the stuff that i want to.. like she has a bf, has a prime role in her cca (even just that she has a cca), is popular with the boys, is fit and slim.. i mean, i dont envy her everything, but the stuff i listed are those that have been major, major concerns for a LONNG time. i guess this jealousy has worsened the resentment i feel towards her. i think it's okay to be unhappy with her if she did smth wrong, but it's not okay if the problem lies with me.. i.e cuz im jealous of her. then it's not her fault in that case. of course this isnt the only reason i resent her, but it rears its ugly head everytime i interact with her, cuz im reminded of how much im lacking. and this makes me very unhappy indeed.

cldn't help wondering why i prevent myself from achieving the life that i desire.. is it really that difficult to do an hour of back exercises everyday? when u put things in perspective.. all the stuff that are necessary to do aren't really that hard to do. then why do i keep resisting it? why do i keep avoiding it? sometimes my actions just don't make sense. sigh. 

got a lot of things to do this weekend.. alot of catching up to do.. i feel really tired right now.. and really emo too. 

i'm eating stinky, glorious dried cuttlefish right now ^^ it's so stinky but i love the smell. its kinda like durian.. stinky but the stench is so appetising. i can fill my tummy by juz taking a deep whiff. yums

right now is recess week.. can u imagine, i havnt blogged for the past 5 weeks haha. i keep on wanting to blog cuz ive been having alot of emotional turmoil these few weeks but juz nv got round to it.. sounds lik all e stuff on my to-do list too: just nv got round to it. bleh. =.=

man, i think my keyboard is lik uber filthy.. some parts of it are so dusty, and others are OILY *shudders* hope i dont get food poisoning.. i read somewhere that keyboards contain even more bacteria than a toilet bowl seat. heavens. think if i overturn my keyboard ill obtain a small mountain of debris. well gonna have to get it cleaned for sure.. i eat at my desk quite often. not ON my keyboard but im sure there's still some food particles stuck down there nonetheless

kk back to business. mid-terms are next week. actually ive alr had 2 mid-terms and screwed those 2 up pretty badly.. didnt study nuts again. been feeling really stressed out.. over academic stuff and other things. its kinda a vicious cycle i think. i get anxious over stuff i cant control and neglect those things which i CAN control. ironic isnt it. i end up reacting instead of acting in response to situations. the final outcome is that im always not in control of my life. . . 

one example: for some obscure reason, i have been feeling very insecure recently abt my attractiveness to the opposite sex. i dno why. maybe its cuz i developed a crazy crush on my lab partner who isnt lik conventionally attractive.. is so gay.. but v hardworking and v smart <- qualities that i aspire to have (erm excluding the gayness bit yep) i do know about Opposites Attract but i think thats not a good reason to get tgt with someone cuz it juz means u think ure lacking in some qualities and ure not happy w ureself. i dun think r/s lik that work out. so yeah. aniwae he turned out to be an idiot so i kinda quashed that crush. i hate developing crazy crushes which fall on my head lik a ton of bricks then die off in a 2 weeks or so, leaving me emotionally drained and ever more insecure about myself.  lik, dun i have anyth better to do than to start lusting after totally unsuitable ppl?! really dno what's e matter with me..

im a source of entertainment to a certain fren of mine which i kinda liked but he's attached so i let it go.. yeah everytime we talk, i have a new bit of juicy news for him.. abt some guy or other.. some crush or other... do i take pride in being such a romantic loser or smth? does it make me appear a fool? aniwae the newest happening is this cute guy in my socio tutorial.. i think he's really cute haha. yep not surprising that i found him in Arts.. cuz sci is lik.. yeah u know. haha. he's so cute! =DD but his name sucks.. bleh =S

he's probably taken.. all the good guys are taken in Uni.. 

i went for counselling recently and my counsellor and i concluded that i am extremely extreme. lol. ok i guess "extreme" is a kinda finite term, kinda like "perfect", u know? so i wldnt have to say "extremely extreme".. alright i digress. aniwae i think that quality really applies to everything in my life. the way i think.. the things i do.. how i view myself and others.. yeah

one way to relate this is lik me and guys.. maybe my extreme view is that a guy is either JUST a friend (means i wont ever consider him) or a potential partner and hence, someone to crush on. guys who're attractive usually start out in the latter catergory.. and then they get taken/start crushing on some other girl who's more sane and then they get relinquished to the former catergory. why cant i juz approach a guy as a friend? why do i have to start considering him and then lose my own head and be fake? i hate it. its not lik i wanna be in a r/s now.. that would be academic suicide. but its lik, i juz feel an overwhelming desire to be involved in some romance.. i love the chase. oh no, does that make me a player. shit. lols. or a playEE, rather. hahaz 

do i REALLY wanna be with any of the guys ive crushed on? do i REALLY wanna be with that cutie in my socio class? i dont think so. then why do i keep crushing on them for no reason? do i desire some drama in my life? do i desire some form of escape from my responsibilities as a student? i think that cld be the reason.. its e same reason i go crazy everytime i pass a SALE sign. u can ask my frens. i hyperventilate at the sight of a bazaar or a department store sale. its crazy.  i feel so bored whenever a crush dies off. feel so deprived when im ard my attached friends. i know guys wont like some girl who's so desperate.. they like girls who have their life together.. have A LIFE. that's not me. my life is so outta control and going haywire and my goals are lik in shambles.. if i were a guy, i wldnt wanna get tgt with me. not cuz im not hot (i do think im quite pretty and stuff) but cuz mentally and emotionally, im not v stable. im not at peace with myself.

and im so superficial. dammit. last night i went out with the Archers (fred finally got attached!! yay fred!!) and i was whining to them abt all my troubles and i kept talking about looks. one v particular instance was when i was asking the girls (wendy n yuenling) whether they tot i had tiao2 jian4. they said i had la, and wendy said she tot she had the worst tiao2 jian4 outta e 3 of us. YL and i immediately vehemently protested. guess what're e reasons we gave?

I: no la wendy! uve got such nice boobs and such a nice figure and ure so pretty!
YL: no wendy, ure the nicest person!

can u see the STARK contrast?! i was taken aback after hearing what YL said... i realised how focussed on looks i am. i think wendy's got a great personality too but the main reasons i gave were abt her looks.. gawd... do i think that guys will only be attracted to a certain type of character? becuz i was telling them that i think the more a guy gets to know me, the more he will like me as a friend but less as a potential partner. i told them i didnt think my personality was v attractive. haiix.. everytime i ask a guy abt how attractive i am, they give me shit answers. hahaa. and all those who think im attractive are those i wont consider. saddening =/ but i do think its kinda lose face asking guys that kinda qn... so i ask my female frens instead... (but its not lik they're e ones who're gonna date me -.-)

k la.. well i dont think anyth good will come outta pondering over these kinda stuff.. my studies are suffering badly now. i just wanna shut out all this and focus focus focus!!!!!!

why's it so hard to be the best that i can be?


p.s. somebody's ORD-ing soon.. cant believe im gonna be slogging while that toot lives it up. oh well

well well well.. school's started and this is the weekend of week 1.. 

i havn't blogged for an uber long time again and the reason is cuz everytime i wanna blog, i come online and end up getting distracted by online shopping/stalking my crush's facebook profile/chatting/eating/misc useless stuff. in fact that's usually what happens whenever i want to do anything productive =( sigh. and hence, this weekend has been utterly wasted.. 

yep RAG day came and went.. i got horribly horribly sunburnt and exhausted on that day. i was one of the backstage crew (a "mechanic") and felt really proud to be part of the performance X) my job was to pull the rope that wld unfurl the sail, along with Yu Jie. we had practised and practised and had alot of problems.. cuz the mechanism was changed lik juz a day or so before the performance and the engineers + mechanics didnt have much time to do mechanism runs. ohwell. yeah so our biggest worry was that the mechanism wld jam and the sail wldnt unfurl. and on RAG day it DID jam! =((( but luckily with the combined effort of YJ, Sam and Weiyang, the sail managed to unfurl, albeit after a bit of lag.. i watched the Sci performance on Youtube the other night and it looked abit weird.. but i guess everything worked out in the end. 

felt pretty crushed aft the performance, being the perfectionist that i am. but in the end concluded that it wasnt my fault and since the performance worked out aniwaes, i shld juz let it go.. so i have =)

its a pity we din win the Shield cuz i tot our float rocked.. but i didnt think the dance did the float justice. oh well. there's always next yr!

really have to commend the spirit and drive of all who took part in Rag.. even if we din get the Shield, i think that we gave it our all.. and that is good enough =) felt really proud of all the RAGgers aft the performance.. and when we din win, i was close to tears too. sigh. we worked SO hard.

so now Rag's over and Sci Production is next.. and with it comes a whole other set of problems for me. sometimes i think if i didnt have boys in my life, my grades wld prob be top-notch. hot but totally unsuitable boys give me headache.

juz now in the shower i was thinking (i tend to mull things over in the shower, if im not having irrational paranoia of ghosts popping outta nowhere) and i was reminiscing over my archery days. remembered my performance.. like i would shoot a good arrow (bullseye) and then i'd get so focussed on results that the following arrows wld be bad (everywhere but the bullseye). this was brought on by the Olympics table tennis final broadcasted earlier. felt that there was a stark contrast between e China players and the Sg players, not onli in terms of skill, but also in terms of attitude/sportsmanship. i dno if its juz me, but it seemed lik everytime the China players lost a point, they wld smile and seemed pretty positive, whereas when the Sg players lost a point, they wld get totally worked up. issit cuz the China players knew they'd eventually win and were thinking to themselves, "hey, interesting, this opponent's not that bad actually!" i was thinking that the true elite probably welcome competition cuz they always wanna go that one step further. like instead of thinking "shit this guy is trashing me!", they'd think "alright, good, now i know i have smth to improve on. let me take this as a lesson and a challenge" it's lik totally different.. one mindset is welcoming whereas the other is fearful and agonised. i wish i had the former.. i feel that im such a complacent person in regards to my own performance. well, as long as u do what needs to be done, the results will come. that's why i always screwed up my shots in archery.. i was too focussed on the results, i didnt focus on the process of getting the results, which is the most impt thing. i wish i cld go back and try again. i always tend to learn so much more frm thinking abt the experience yrs later than when im actually experiencing it.. and hence i dun use the experience to the fullest. i always regret :( haiix

i had tons of things to do this weekend and i wrote them all down. i dno what i was running from tho.. all the academic stuff hasnt been done. what am i escaping from? sigh. this weekend has been totally wasted.... /_\ disappointing. ppl are telling me to take it easy since its only the first week.. but i want to work really hard this sem and make up for my crappy yr 1. and my mods this sem arent easy.. 

juz cant seem to stop thinking abt that boy. i feel so n00b-ish. just put a hot guy in front of me and my mind kena 'stun'. actually i think this sem there have been more hot guys ard but somehow i cant get this one outta my mind. and its not lik he's even bf material.. not lik i even want a bf. he's been such an idiot too.. but i still think he's SO cute. damn him and damn myself. this doesnt make sense at all! 

get your act together girl!! 

arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh



p.s. cld it be due to my period? o_o
 

haha in the end my promised NZ entry has yet to materialize.. but oh well i havn't forgotten abt it. shall blog as soon as i get all the holiday pix frm my dad.. which is pretty hard cuz im seldom at home now.. always out for some reason or other.. 

wow it's been rather busy these few weeks.. what with RAG day on its way and all the hectic activity over in NUS.. there's only a week left.. RAG day is on 8th aug.. and sch starts on 11th aug o_O omg! i cant believe a new term is starting. sigh. but ive been having tons of headache over what mods to take, how mani mods to take, whether to go for IA or not.. whether to stay back one sem or not.. -.- it's been INCREDIBLY frustrating!! i kinda regret not planning earlier, lik in yr 1, but haiix i guess i alr had too much on my hands back then.. with *ahem* and all. yeah. wldve been pretty impossible to keep a level head and do all my planning. but i DO wish i had. ;(

so.. yeah the dilemma was whether to go to US with A2 for Industrial Attachment (IA) with this company Rhodia.. itll be in Yr 3 Sem 1, and for a period of 6months.. quite frightening, the prospect! surprisingly, my mom has agreed to let me go.. she didnt even give it much thought actually. i was eager to get outta Sg.. but not too sure abt US.. aren't ppl there pretty racist? im quite sensitive towards this kinda stuff ><" hum.. feeling quite apphrehensive. but well A2 has lived overseas b4, in Aussie to be exact, so i guess i can rely on her to help me adapt to being in a minority grp. 

the IA is pretty much confirmed :) b4 that i was deliberating over all my mods cuz if i go for IA overseas, i'll be behind my cohort by 3 mods~! sucks la.. -.- totally didnt know i cldnt take even the online independent study mod until my senior told me. blaergghh~~~ i actually spent TONS of time trying to plan my timetable for Yr 2 and 3.. cuz trying to fit in all the mods i need.. but always damn tedious and screw up one.. haiix.. sleep damn late can? there was once i stayed up till 6+ am juz tryin to plan.. arghx.. this is insane la. this sem im taking 4 core and 1 enrichment mod.. hoping to get a non-examinable enrichment mod to ease my workload ><" so sickening la.. my frens n seniors all keep wishing me "good luck" aft they hear what core mods im taking this sem.. t00t.. lik seriously.. sooooo doesnt help =.= garrghhh!!

so yeah this sem's gonna be super mugger.. cuz my CAP sucks right now :( gotta pull it UP UP UP!

thus the conclusion is that im going for the IA, im gonna take my time to study and not cram 6 mods every sem (which is MADNESS) and hence graduate one sem aft my batch.. A2 is doing the same.. no hurry for me to work anyway. 

haiix ok so that's all for the academic side.. i actually wanted to blog abt RAG but i juz dozed off juz now.. so late alr la :((( last night slept at 6 am woke up this morn 9+ am leh.. wah power sia. in fact, if i werent waiting for my perm styling product to dry, i wld be asleep by now =.= gahhhhh..

IIII WWAAANNTTT TTTOOO SSSSLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP x_X


i want my EC also. hehe. shit la im obsessed ><" somebody short circuit my heart pls so i wont haf to feel lik this -.-

i've dug up miles n miles of sand
searching for something i can't see
and i've just got bruised and battered hands
and a brand new void inside of me
complete with walls i did create
from all the earth that i've displaced
a mess that i have made from what
i've just let pile and pile up..

relient K - I Need You

lost. again. i feel so stupid. is this all it's come down to? neither of you are suitable for me. neither one.

none.

i.. can't believe it.

my Ahkong passed away suddenly tonight.. so sudden. he seemed to be pretty stable in the hospital even if he appeared barely alive.. i wonder what happened.. did he suddenly give up? the call came during dinner time.. my dad hadnt even eaten much before he prepared to go out again. he had quite a bit of wine. 

the call was to say my Ahkong's blood pressure had dropped drastically.. i didnt know how to feel. its so scary. like things are happening all around you and ure surrounded by all the chaos.. all the tension, all the melancholy. i cant bear to think that everything discussed between my dad and his siblings right b4 we visited Ahkong this afternoon is really gonna go into motion. its like.. so sudden..

so my dad set off.. and then a few hours later he called back to tell my mom the news.. yeah.. and then me and my bro went to my parents' bedroom and accompanied my mom as she rang up all the relatives and informed them bout it.. i was sitting on the floor, leaning against the wardrobe.. feeling melancholic.. sigh.. cant believe my brother was still able to laugh at the stupid show on the tv. or maybe its just me? afterall this was inevitable.. everyone expected it.. oh well. ahh

this week is gonna be nuts.. a 5-day Buddhist wake... i won't be able to go down for RAG.. am gonna have to cancel all my appointments n stuff.. argh.. feeling really lost now. and CORS bidding starts next week.. damn

really could use some chocolate or smth right now.. i had a kiwi and an apple instead. but the craving still lingers. oh well *tries to forget that the fridge downstairs is crammed full of NZ choc*

 i know i havn't blogged for a long time.. and it's been difficult cuz so much has been happening. so much upheaval in my life. been going back and forth, up and down.. can't seem to stabilize. today i went to Mt.E with my family to visit my Ahkong. he's in critical condition and my extended family has been making preparations for a funeral alr.. yeah it's that serious. my Ahkong is really old.. like almost 100 yrs old i think? he's lived for really long. and it's only recently that he fell really ill.. i think after a fall or smth. haiix. aniwae, to me, my paternal grandparents are almost lik strangers.. ive never talked much to them cuz they don't speak English and i don't know how to speak Hokkien. and it's juz that they're so old.. and ive never been close to my family. so yeah. today was, sad to say, the first time i held my Ahkong's hand. and it gave a tangible feel to the image of the shrunken, frail old man lying in a daze on the hospital bed. 

i felt the warmth of his hand, the presence of strength still in that body as i massaged his hand and felt his momentary grasp on mine. it made me realise that here was a real person, u know, a real somebody lying there, dying. it made me want to do more to make him feel better, made me want to caress his face and massage his shoulders and make him feel lik he wasn't alone, lik he was surrounded by people who loved him. even tho i never really knew him as My Grandfather.. but it was lik meeting any other old person for real, i wanted to help in some way or other. i don't quite know how to express this feeling but its lik.. images aren't enough to make you realise the existence of a person. u gotta feel their skin, feel their presence to truly experience their existence.. and that experience changes everything. 

it's just like that time my Ahma's bday, which was pretty recent. im quite awkward around her too cuz ive never really interacted much with her. she's got senile dementia and she's wheelchair-bound.. my spinster aunts take care of her 24/7. it was time to cut the cake and i dno if she knew what e hell was going on around her but my dad told me to assist her in cutting the cake and so i put the plastic knife in her hand and helped her slice the cake.. and man was her grasp strong! it took me some effort to pry the knife away from her hand. her skin was the thin, smooth skin that old people have.. and it was also the first time ive held her hand all my life. and lik i said.. the experience of realising that here was my Ahma, old and senile but real and alive, really made an impact. 

my Ahkong was lying on that bed, awake but seemingly non-seeing. he was breathing quite hard. i was staring at the way his tongue moved with every gasping breath he took. i was staring at his watery reddish eyes. i took in all the hospital apparatus arranged around him: the tubes, the bags, the machines, the monitors. the air was quite chilly and my 3rd aunt was complaining that it was freaking cold and the nurses wldn't turn the temp up. he looked like he was barely alive. i stared. i stared really hard. 

after the whole thing i felt really drained.. all my relatives talking about the funeral.. it was surreal. and draining. lik, i can't believe this is happening. sigh.. and i cld tell my dad was being strong. he was focussing on the funeral preparations.. prob his way of coping with the pain of the impending loss. oh well. i don't feel close to my Ahkong and already i was feeling the melancholy of it all.. what more his sons and daughters, those who are close to him and love him so much, and who have felt and seen him in his stronger days? it's sad. really sad.

life is so fleeting..

 and so it comes down to this. in a flash a month has passed and the exam results will be released 2ml (or today rather -.-). it's funny but i don't feel anything :/ its the same feeling as when the 'A's results were released: apathy. haiix.. i feel like going cycling tomorrow.. but before that i have to go to the doctor. there's a nasty problem i need solved. 

went swimming this morning. really didnt feel like it but i told myself i had to start exercising again. and that swimming was good for me and i used to enjoy it. AND that it slimmed me down in a pretty short time (Most Impt). so i dragged myself out of bed at 8 am and to Clementi Swimming Complex. it was quite crowded for a weekday morning.. i swam less than 10 laps? felt superrrrr shagged after it =/ yes im really unfit. kena pectoral cramp as i was showering -.- MAJOR OUCH.. and it lasted through the day arghhh! :((( haiiix.. i dno how ppl can do 50 laps at a time, freestyle summore. it's like.. wow, after a half-lap of freestyle i can feel myself getting fatigued and slowing down alr. freestyle is really quite intensive and explosive.. definitely not as relaxing as breaststroke...

am considering buying a bike so i can cycle ard my estate :) and maybe even to school! realised that cycling is a sport i really enjoy (after the outing with GR) eastcoast park is really damn far la :( haiix. but i discovered that i can take a bus directly to east coast park from clementi! how cool is that? juz that the journey will prob be over an hour =/ that time i went cycling with GR, we cycled almost the entire length of east coast park and back and aft i got off the bike i cldnt walk properly lol. my legs felt lik they were gonna give way any second. i actually like that feeling. X) the feeling that ive pushed myself and my body's done smth it was made to do :D sure beats rotting at home.. 

bought microwave popcorn today. lols.. this is my great experiment, to find out if microwave popcorn is really such a tasty healthy snack that its all cracked up to be ;) looking forward to my first trial! haha!! XDDD (it's almost 2 am but i have the urge to go down and pop some. damn)

my bank acct has been wiped out :((( im scared to check my balance. sigh. no more shopping liaoz. such a pity..

damn. i just cracked my lip. ARGHHHH

 tonight's not a very good night. feeling kinda emo. sigh. nvm some recounting first.

yesterday evening i went out with wendy and yuenling for dinner :) fish&co at wheelock's place. was a good evening! (even tho i came 45 min late =x) i wore this halter dress and my mom's high heels LOL. it's been ages since i last dressed up like that.. yuenling was surprised and she said im unusually dressed up (in a good way) tonight, cuz she's used to seeing me in juz tank tops n jeans.. come to think of it, huixin always says the same thing too. oh well. i guess now without the tyrannical spoilsport bf ard, i can dress any way i want to! X) it felt good dressing up.. and knowing i look good =) loads of new clothes in my closet now.. my closet's FULL to bursting =/

i was really high last night.. laughing n joking and talking nonsense like anything.. haha.. felt good to let loose :) maybe it was the extra confidence brought on by dressing up? or maybe it was the effect of being in the presence of good friends? ;) who knows. managed to weasel out some confessions secrets frm yuenling haha with wendy pretending to be a bystander YEAH RIGHT -.- anyway i had alot of fun :) and we ate till we were bout to burst.. haha i wanna laugh everytime i think about wendy remarking that i "wobbled lik jelly" when yuenling finally revealed a juicy secret.. so exciting la! i was so excited! but i was eating so i had to express it physically! haha. ahhh outings with my dear archery teammates are ALWAYS a rockin' good time *smiles fondly* 

my family is going on holiday in july and my mom wants ME to "arrange" the holiday.. lik wth? well more like do the preliminary research.. but it's still really intimidating for someone who's used to having the older ppl do the work. sometimes i feel really ignorant and useless. well the research hasnt progressed very well, and for a holiday that's to be in july, it's kinda late to book already. but we'll probably be going to New Zealand or Tasmania.. i tink Tasmania most prob :) cuz my sis said NZ got nth to see (except sheep) -.- 

2ml (or today rather) is the Zouk Yard Sale.. interesting! im still wondering if i should go...

been thinking and thinking whether i should perm or cut my hair short.. not really in the perming mood anymore.. but if i cut my hair short i'll look like my sister :/ and i don't wanna seem lik a copycat. bahhh. maybe i'll end up cutting some other style.. haha bleh. this is such a headache x_X

sigh it's a holiday but it doesnt feel like a holiday :( during holidays ure supposed to let loose and have fun and go crazy.. not worry bout what u havnt done and your unending to-do list that stretched from a year ago... gah.. will this turmoil never end? i kinda miss school :( kinda miss knowing what i'm supposed to do every day. haha so ironic that when it's term time im so slack but when i finally get into study mode, term has ended and exams over -.- what a joke. i've got tons to do this hols.. and the list aint getting any shorter :( how much time has passed since hols started? merely a week? :/ seems lik forever. omg. better get started on that to-do list! =((

results are coming soon.. real soon.. haiix